Chris C's Meaningless Ramblings [entries|Psycho Pals|calendar]
Chris C

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no subject [23 Aug 2014|09:31pm]
Hmmmm, hate the mobile app for this. It just never worked for me. So I'm doing it old school on my laptop. I think back to when I first posted on here...... My pc was running Windows 98 and I was on dial up with aol back then. Here I am using a faster connection over my Wi-Fi in the house all these years later.

Things have been sailing along around here. The summer is almost over, school for the kids is staying in less then two weeks. Time does fly by when you're not paying attention.

Just got the kids off to bed and will soon be heading there too. Today was just a very long day with back to school shopping and trying to get everything back to normal after a week of solid work (eleven hour days are just way to long).

Goodnight and good luck to everyone out there.
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[18 May 2014|10:51pm]
I I'll have to say that it is freeing to write here, more so then Twitter or Facebook (yes, i have as well). But to know that I've been here for so long and have been writing for so long, especially since May of the people that i met on here have since moved on. So I'm not expecting any comments.

I remember writing these on my old Compaq Presario on my aol dial up modem. The calming sound of the beeps and scratches as it tried to get access. No cordless mouse, no Wi-Fi, just me and my Windows 98..... I think the phone I'm typing on right now is actual more powerful and had more memory then that big monstrosity.

It's funny too think that i was an early adopter on here. I was just a kid looking for something to do. And i found it, i did meet some great people on here and had lots of fun along the way too.

And i will continue to do it to.

Yes, I am back.
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[18 May 2014|08:01pm]
I have to say that for everything that I've been through, for the lies and the cheating and abuse that had been put against me. I still believe that there is love out there, a hope for a better day. I've just come to the point that if it is maybe it will find me, i had to stop looking though.

Everyday brings challenges, but also smiles and laughter and tears and fun. I'm content with who i am. Nothing more nothing less. Was on anti depressants and anti anxiety for a year and a half. But i decided to stop taking them, so i slowly stopped taking them and don't regret it. Truthfully I think I feel better without them. There were a few days that i felt like hell, but those quickly passed and since then i feel good. Not great, but good. Which is better then i ever felt on them. I think just the action of taking them everyday reminded me of the pain that caused me to take them in the first place, the lies and the cheating. I would dwell on it, but no more. Sure i lose my temper sometimes, but what parent doesn't every once in a while.

So i live for the now, don't dwell on the past or worry about the future. Live life like it is ment to be lived and try not to worry.
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[07 Feb 2014|09:20pm]


sitting now, the house is quiet.  the kids are in bed, sleeping quietly.  I'm truly happy when I look at them, when they are around (which is all the time).  I know that I get mad at them, sometimes to quickly.  I need to just relax sometimes.

1 insane rambling|tell me something

[06 Feb 2014|07:19pm]


I'm tired of anger and all the emotions that eat me up from the inside.  it's time to let go.  find myself again....  I don't know who I am anymore though.  I have forgotten so much of myself.

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hmmm [03 Feb 2014|09:05pm]


I really need to say how much I hate her.  I need an outlet, and this seems to be as good a place as any.  I've been consumed with anger and resentment about what was done to me.  about how I was used and thrown away when I wasn't convenient anymore.  I hurt inside, I truly feel anger like never before.  and that isn't good to let that build up inside.  it festers and grows deeper.  I really do hate right now and that isn't good.

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just another life in the day [02 Feb 2014|09:21pm]
I constantly think of things these days. I transferred all my thoughts onto facebook (yes, the evilness of the world). But it doesn't make me feel better, I like this better and I should put more things where they belong. I like the fact that I feel more transparent here, the fact that no one reads this anymore anyway. To update myself, I am single again. But I guess you should have probably guessed that from the post a year ago. I am struggling with many things in my life, struggling with being alone for the first time in years. I was truly in love, my heart was hers. my heart was broken, shattered into a million pieces. Now I sit at home, work, take care of the kids (yes, full time father, full time worker, no time to myself). It is difficult. especially when I have so many feeling still inside of me, especially when I was hurt so bad. I hate her, but I don't really. I hate her for what she did to me, how she hurt me. But I don't really hate her. But I have never told her that, and I probably never will. But the hurt runs deep, very deep. And I don't know how to handle that.

Does anyone have an answer?

I don't expect one.
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[06 Oct 2012|08:43am]


over the last ten years I have gained 2 beautiful children.  I have lost myself though.  I have no friends, no future, no love, no happiness, only a empty hole where I used to have feelings of such things.  A empty journal which no one reads and inner feelings of rage and anger that I turn deeper inward that make the hole darker, deeper and harder to get out of.  self hatred and despair are my common companion, the only one that I have on this journey.  I have pushed away anyone who was ever close to me that could help me on my journey, by locking my feelings and emotions inside, never letting the inner demons out for fear that what people see is the true me.  Welcome self hatred and despair, lets take a walk on the last leg of my journey.  happy birthday to me.

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i know [27 May 2012|09:18pm]


i know that i started this way long ago, and I never really had any intention of continuing it, but it still helps sometimes to just write out my thought.  i have been pretty depressed for the last few years.  nothing brings any sort of enjoyment to me these days like it used too.  the simplest things used to be the best, but it is hard to even enjoy those now.  like a long drive just to go out, watching nothing out the window, listening to the rain fall.  I'm not sure that I can change any of this or how I feel, but the days roll on.  there is no stopping them.  i just spent two weeks on vacation, got nothing done around the house, got annoyed by almost everything and by nothing.  I got a whole 3.5 hours to myself and spent 1 of them cleaning the bathroom, yeah fun time.....  this is life, get over it.

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[02 Oct 2011|12:11am]

So very tired right now. In NYC with Kim and Addison for my brothers wedding. After years of not drinking, she fell tonight. It really hurt him a lot, and I can understand. It is never easy for me either. I used to go to work wondering if I would get a call in the middle of my shift about it. I worry every second of every day about them all. But I am only me, and I barely hang on to my own sanity these days. I love them all, but I'm hurting too. Hang on one more day, all I ask for is one more day.
I repeat that every single day it seems, can I do it forever? Probably not. But I have to try. I'm still looking for my moment, my memory that I can then just let it all go.

Just one more day

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[06 Sep 2011|11:38am]

Crap

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[31 Aug 2011|09:42am]

I'm hurting

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Survived [29 Aug 2011|11:10am]

We were lucky here, no damage, no power loss, everyone is fine (minus me putting my hand through a glass window).

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Life [11 Aug 2011|08:07pm]

So many things have changed, yet it feels that nothing has. I look in the mirror and see the same face, but it is darker, my eyes seem shallower, and there is a whole lot more grey everyday. I'm getting older, sometimes I think too old.

I started this back in 1999, it's now 2011. 12 years is a long time, and I don't know anymore......

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Crap [20 May 2011|09:56am]
There is just emptiness right now. Nothing I do seems to even matter, if I even feel like doing anything. All I feel is the throb in my head and it never goes away anymore. Laughing is a memory I forgot. Happiness is a dream that never comes. Sleep used to be a reprieve to revive, now it is just time..... time between being awake.

Posted via Vita for iPhone.
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[03 May 2011|09:13am]
So over everything. I find it difficult to just keep my head together now. You ever just feel like crap 24 hours a day 7 days a week? It is tough to just get moving in the morning, or the afternoon, or at all. No motivation, no enjoyment, no happiness. No hope. Just feeling tired and never thinking that it is ever going to break. I'm broken

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[25 Apr 2011|07:18am]
I'm crying over laundry detergent spilled on the floor. My hands are shaking and I just want it all to go away


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[24 Apr 2011|08:01pm]
None of this fucking shit is worth it

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[24 Apr 2011|01:02pm]
[ mood | Crappy ]

So fucking tired and crabby and pissed off at everything and everyone. Just holding on today, just hold on

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Longing for something [03 Apr 2011|05:29am]
Have been depressed for a long time now. Some days are harder then others. I find it hard to function and do pretty much anything these days. I break out in tears at any moment and can't figure out how to stop or break out of it.

God I feel like crap and can't control myself anymore. I used to depend on my own mind and my memory to get me through tough times, but even those fail me now.

Just one day, one minute at a time is all I can handle. Sometimes even that is too hard

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